Bones Conflicted
by gawilliams
Summary: Bones writes a journal entry about her making an anomymous contribution to the scholarship fund.


_This is based on the idea from my good friend tvaddict23. I gave it some consideration and modified it slightly to make it it's own stand alone piece rather than part of my Booth's Lie story. I hope you all enjoy this short one. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

**From the Journal of Dr. Temperance Brennan:**

_Sept. 27, 2009: I wonder what Booth would think about my actions. Another piece of my protective shell is falling away, and this one I'm not so sure I want to eliminate. When we were all betrayed by Zack, I almost shut down. How could that have happened? Only Booth being here for me during that horrible nightmare kept me from shutting everyone and everything out, except work. I came through that, but I also know that I am somehow much more jaded than I was. There's a wariness that is even more extreme than my usual reticence about getting close to people in general._

_Since that time, I've tried to remain as aloof as possible with my interns. It's been a struggle, as they have all be good and talented. Not like Zack, but each has had something solid to contribute to our work and would have made worthy interns. Zack was special, though. He was so much like me when I left college that I couldn't help but become attached. His brilliance was a perfect counterweight to mine, and he had so much to look forward to. Every time I look over at any current intern I feel a stabbing pain in my heart (Yes, my heart, though I don't dare let Booth know I am acknowledging that. He would never let me hear the end of it.) that doesn't want to go away._

_I did something this week, though, that has no rational basis behind it. I made an anonymous contribution to the scholarship fund so that my intern, I still can't bring myself to say his name outside of work, even here in my own journal, could remain with us. He is brilliant, has a flare for humor (which Zack lacked), and has a drive to discover the truth that is commendable. The fact that the rest of the team, and even Booth, think highly of him is also a very real plus. He worked hard to get here in the first place, and the change in a scholarship fund should not be allowed to ruin his bright future._

_Booth and Sweets would have some very insightful comments about what led me to make such a contribution. I would instantly disregard Sweets' comments as I am still quite hesitant about the whole so-called science of psychology, but Booth would likely make me revise my reasoning. He would make me try and see a connection between my feelings for Zack, and now for this young man as my assistant. The part of this that makes me so angry is that he would be right. There are times where I really hate feelings, and how much Booth has shown me to embrace them. There's too much pain tied up with having deeper feelings for people. Only Booth has been a genuine constant and never has he made me question my feelings for him. I may get confused sometimes, such as right now as he lied to me about the kind of love he has for me, but at least he is trying to work his way through his demons and wants nothing more than to keep me safe from those demons and what they can do._

_I think Booth would be pleased with that I have done about the scholarship. He is always saying that I should lead with my heart more than my head, and I am beginning to see his point. While I won't acknowledge what I did, I could see that genuine happiness in the rest of the group. Maybe he's been right all along. I don't know, and I likely will never have an answer that satisfies me. I only hope that this young man doesn't disappoint me like Zack did. I don't know if I could successfully deal with such a tragedy and betrayal again, even with Booth here to help me. The only thing worse than that would be losing Booth._

_A/N: I wanted this piece to have a more rambling feel to it (at least rambling compared to the tight, compact form of writing that Bones would be expected to do when doing a personal journal of her feelings as opposed to her novels), hence the above. There are several threads that she thinks about, but it all boils down to one thing: she doesn't want to lose the woman she's become in the years since she's known Booth. I hope that you all enjoyed this one. FYI: this is not part of the Booth's Lie story line. I just really enjoy the journal style story format and felt it was perfect for this one. All the best, Gregg._


End file.
